What would you think if I told you that it is possible to have a long-term relationship without fights?
Our culture tells us that “every couple has fights” but that doesn’t have to be true. How is it possible to be so close to someone and not fight with them?
The answer to that question is simple, yet difficult. The answer to that question is both parties have to be intentional and commit to not fighting. The answer to that question requires self-reflection.
Disagreements happen between two people. You will never fully agree with someone all the time. A relationship is made up of two humans and humans are not mind readers. It is inevitable that one or both parties will misinterpret the others’ intentions and motivations. Disagreements do not have to escalate to a fight. Do you want to have a relationship where there is no fighting, and your partner wants that, too? Ask yourself these questions:
Am I willing to wait until I don’t feel highly emotional about the disagreement?
Am I willing to let go of the need to be “right”?
Am I ready to listen to the other person’s perspective?
Is it possible that I have it wrong in my head?
Am I willing to serve my partner and be served by my partner?
If you’ve honestly answered these questions as yes, here are some conversation starters to help you begin the conflict resolution with your partner:
I feel (feeling) when you (behavior) and I need you to (behavior).
Ex: I feel disrespected when you leave a stack of dirty dishes next to the sink and I need you to rinse them off and put them in the dishwasher.
The story I’m telling myself is…
Ex: The story that I am telling myself is that you’re annoyed with me and don’t care about how I am feeling. Can you help me fight those thoughts?
Can you help me understand…
Ex: I’ve noticed that when you come home lately, you go straight to our room. Can you help me understand what it is you need when you get home so that I don’t take it personally?
When you (behavior) I feel (feeling) and that helps me to (behavior).
When you did the dishes last night, I felt relieved and that helped me to relax and have quality time with you.
Remember, fights don’t have to be a given! If you would like help improving your relationship through counseling, reach out to get connected with one of our therapists.
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